1 week later, Ben and I were out at the Establishment together for his Single Night Coaching session. He was looking around the club nervously… I was so proud of him.
In spite of his anxiety, he had already approached 3 different women. Unfortunately, none of the interactions went that well and he only hung into each conversation about 3 mintues before walking away with defeat in his eyes.
“See! I told you this doesn’t work! I’m doing exactly what you told me and yet women aren’t interested in me at all and I feel worse about myself now than I did before I came out”
Ben was feeling frustrated, he wasn’t used to dealing with failure and was quickly getting overwhelmed.
I’m used to helping men through this difficult phase of mastering a skill, so I smiled slightly to myself knowing full well the break through moment he would have ahead of him.
“Why do you think women are rejecting you right now?”
“Well look at me, I’m too nervous… Women don’t want a guy who isn’t confident… Everyone knows women want a confident guy. They want a guy who isn’t afraid to come and talk to them.
So unless you can just snap your fingers and make me confident and erase years of avoiding women, the women here just won’t give me much attention”.
MYTH #2 WOMEN WANT A CONFIDENT/FEARLESS MAN
“Ahh, you’ve just said something critical there which I need to speak with you about. You equated confidence with fearlessness.
This is a definition of confidence that I strongly disagree with. You work in IT, so imagine if I asked you to set up a home wifi connection for me, you would be able to confidently tackle that task?”
“Well, that would be easy… and yeah, I’d be super confident at that” Even as he imagined it, the act of picturing a task he felt confident at caused Ben’s body posture to straighten.
“Right, now what if I told you that if you failed to make my wifi work, that I’d tell your boss how useless you were and you might well lose your job?
Would you start to feel a little apprehensive, even fearful of the wifi task suddenly?”
“Well, yeah I guess I would… I mean even though It’s something I’ve done plenty of times before, knowing there would be big consequences for failure makes me feel a little scared”
“So here is a perfect example of your feeling confident in a task, but scared of doing it because failure would bring consequences. I’ll tell you a little secret. Do you remember at the start of the night when I approached that beautiful blond woman to demonstrate how a good approach should look?
Well I was feeling nervous when I approached her because I knew that if it went badly – which is always a possibility because I can’t predict how she’ll respond to me – that I would risk looking a little foolish in your eyes and that might damage my reputation slightly.
Heck, even if you weren’t here, I’d still feel a little nervous because she’s hot, and I don’t like the idea of being rejected publicly. I don’t have a single coach at my company who doesn’t feel fear and apprehension sometimes when approaching women…
but they are all very confident with women, and have a huge amount of success behind them”
“But you looked so confident! I can’t make myself look confident like you do!” Ben protested
“And that’s the misconception…. I’m not pretending to be fearless, I just look fearless now because I’ve talked to so many women in my life that the anxiety I get now is much lower than it once was so it’s not very noticeable.
But I’ve been watching you the last few approaches and you’re not failing because you’re nervous.. You’re failing because you’re PRETENDING to be confident even thought you’re scared, and that’s making you look fake and deceptive instead of looking like the genuine guy you really are.
Women HATE deception of all kinds! The second a woman senses that she’s being lied to in any way, most of them will lose interest.”
“But then she’d see I was nervous and wouldn’t want to talk to me, and I’d still not be getting any results… Every bit of pick up advice I read says you need to be confident!”
“Just think of the courage you’d be showing a woman if she could see you feeling scared of approaching her, but doing it anyway, because you were the kind of man who wouldn’t let fear stand in his way…
THAT is confidence to my eyes, and it will be in hers too. Sure, some women demand a man who is fearless, but most women don’t.. Most women want a man who can stand up to fear and never let it hold him back, they want a man who won’t cower in the corner when life gets tough.
THAT’S sexy to a woman. Not a man who is so ashamed of his fears that he tries to convince her they’re not there. Women are amazing at reading body language, so you can’t possibly hope to fool them for long anyway”
“This is a weird way to think for me… I feel a lot of conflict.. It makes sense but it goes against everything I’ve read..” Ben was lost in thought as he tried to think through what I was explaining to him.
“Well let me prove it to you – I dare you to go up to that cute asian girl in the short dress over there, and after saying hello and introducing yourself, I want you to tell her you’re feeling super nervous because you don’t normally go and talk to girls in the bar, but you didn’t want to miss your opportunity to speak with her.
I want you to do that, and PROVE to me that I’m wrong” I said this last part with a cheeky grin on my face… I just love challenging guys to prove me wrong, it always marks a moment of great personal discovery for them.
20 minutes later, Ben came striding back to me, with a grin on his face even the Cheshire cat couldn’t rival…
“Yeah okay, that was different…. ” He said, trying to find the words, he continued “She was so much warmer towards me when I conceded my fears..
.It’s like she made a choice in that moment to actually give me a chance to impress her, whereas all the other women just wrote me off without a second thought…
THEN when I was saying goodbye to leave, she offered me her number… I had been so nervous that I totally forgot to ask her for it. I’ve NEVER had a woman offer me her number before!”
“Now, can you see the power of being confidently afraid?”
“Yes, and yes again! I just still barely understand why it worked… but it did!”
“I’m happy to hear it, but I want to remind you of something… This isn’t a magic bullet. Sharing your fears with every woman you meet won’t instantly make them throw phone numbers at you.
You did well, and this girl liked you genuinely, you didn’t trick her in any way. You’ll meet other women who don’t like you, and that’s okay, because so long as you’re being genuine, there are plenty of others who will.”
TRUTH #2a: WOMEN DON’T WANT A FEARLESS MAN – THEY WANT A MAN WHO CAN TAKE ACTION IN SPITE OF HIS FEARS
TRUTH #2b: WOMEN ARE TURNED OFF BY MEN WHO PRETEND TO BE SOMETHING THEY’RE NOT
Who We Are
School of Attraction is a dating education company with one motto: "Leave No Single Man Behind". We provide free and paid courses for men to achieve success with women.
Started by Damien Diecke in 2008, SOA has gone on to become Australia's largest dating coaching company, now setting it's sights worldwide.