I’m not going to debate today how you know if someone is right for you, or how to tell if a woman loves you, or who should say the ‘L’ word first. Today I want to talk about love as a very dangerous and possibly life-destroying habit that many men and women go blissfully through life without ever paying any attention to.
Put your hand up right now if you know someone who wasted years of their lives clearly dating someone that was ruining their lives, but they stuck in the relationship because of love. Put your other hand up if you’ve been guilty of this yourself?
We all like to think of love as this magical thing that happens when two people who are destined to be together meet etc. However, try work as a dating coach for a few years and you will quickly realize that the harsh reality is quite different all together.
Yes it’s true. If I present almost any man with almost any woman who treats him well for a few months, they engage in sex exclusively for a month or two, they see each other 2 or 3 days a week, guess what will happen? They will both start to develop strong feelings for each other, and they don’t even have to be too compatible, just compatible enough not to cause great aggravation in the first few months.
It’s the same the other way around too, in fact even moreso. Give a woman a guy who treats her well, who she can trust, and who she gets along with okay, add sex, stir for a couple of months (or less), and BAM Love. (This is due to the fact that women release far higher doses of bonding hormones during periods of intimacy such as during sex, or prolonged physical contact).
Now this isn’t a science. Some people are emotionally closed off, there are couples who simply tick each other off and will never get close, there are lots of reasons why people might not fall in love, but given the right conditions at least 75% of the time it’s going to happen.
All too often I watch guys start dating a girl, and they say ‘no way man, she’s totally not what I’m looking for at all, this is just a casual thing’. But they fall into the dating pattern of 2-3 dates a week, they spoon at night after sex, they open up and tell each other private information, then a few months later I ask the same guy about his ‘casual’ partner and suddenly she’s become a serious potential Long Term partner. Talk to the same man a few months after they break up and he’ll once again concede that they never should have dated.
People all around the world are literally falling into love with the completely wrong person. Women are far more aware of the ability to ‘fall’ for people who are completely wrong for them than men, because they are more susceptible in the first place, and because women spend much more time in their formative pre-pubescent years learning about social bonding.
Every man should create a list of what he wants in a woman. Don’t expect any woman to completely satisfy that list (mine is 5 pages long!), but be wary if she falls well short of what you want in a partner.
Every man should be aware that he is capable of falling in love with any woman he is consistently sleeping with, and avoid getting emotionally close with any woman unless he has made up his mind that she is worthy of the love you have to offer.
3 years ago I made a very pointed decision to date one of the girls I had been casually sleeping with, from that point on we became very close and all the wonderful loving feelings flowed, but before that point, I kept her at a distance and made sure not to simply ‘fall’ into the relationship as I’ve seen too many people do in the past.
I am still with my partner, who has enriched my life rather than damaged it, and I know that if we did one day break up, I would once again become the ‘decider’ as to who I dated, and not simply allow myself to get pulled down the relationship slippery slope.
I’ve watched too many male friends and clients get into relationships that were completely wrong for them, and afterwards they openly admit it was all a big avoidable mistake. Often these mistakes damage their lives mentally, emotionally, and sometimes financially.